Mike
Enjoy your weekly dose of funny with these easy to swallow tweets.
https://twitter.com/duplicitron/status/370038232664125440
I ran out of painkillers so I'm sucking on the cotton that came in the bottle.
— Megan (@meganshpettit) October 16, 2015
Sorry I stared at your dog until he finished pooping I just don't have anything else going on right now
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 9, 2015
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money.
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) October 12, 2015
You cite an amendment from 1789, you get a gun from 1789. Next topic.
— Shelby (@smelbz) October 1, 2015
https://twitter.com/Scott_Losse/status/650432794653396992
100% of the people who describe their life as a "journey" have DUIs.
— atman (@AtmanDoesFood) August 22, 2015
https://twitter.com/JhonRules/status/647310043101007872
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) September 27, 2015
I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to sleep in our bed.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 22, 2015
https://twitter.com/danieleastman/status/654631686471327744
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) October 15, 2015
https://twitter.com/longwall26/status/443497432031051776
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
— Matt (@sucittaM) November 8, 2011