Please enjoy these hilarious thoughts from twitter’s best.
“Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?”— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 9, 2015
“Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.”
“Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.”
maybe everyone's in therapy these days because we've hit the point where being listened to is so rare and valuable it's worth paying for— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) October 10, 2015
The opposite of Apolo Anton Ohno is Dionysus Antoff Hellyeah.— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) August 11, 2015
No I don't want to go to a haunted house for fun, I'm scared by like 500 normal things every day— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 7, 2015
Places a guy on a unicycle is not going:— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) March 12, 2015
1) To get laid.
2) To make a bank deposit.
Just helped a man find his dog and I walked away with nothing. Helping people is the worst I could have had a new dog— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) October 5, 2015
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) October 7, 2015
For two summers I lived in a mini golf windmill doing research on angry dads.— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) October 5, 2015
Trending on Facebook right now:— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) September 28, 2015
1. Everyone else's success.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS— olll (@dulcetry) October 3, 2015
If your funny story goes longer than 30 seconds I walk— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 4, 2015
I have some bad news. Are you sitting down? I didn't think so. Somebody stole all of our chairs.— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) January 14, 2015
I love when we spend quality family time sitting by the light of our respective devices.— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) September 24, 2015
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) December 28, 2014