Please enjoy these hilarious thoughts from twitter’s best.
“Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?”
“Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.”
“Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.”
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 9, 2015
maybe everyone's in therapy these days because we've hit the point where being listened to is so rare and valuable it's worth paying for
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) October 10, 2015
The opposite of Apolo Anton Ohno is Dionysus Antoff Hellyeah.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) August 11, 2015
No I don't want to go to a haunted house for fun, I'm scared by like 500 normal things every day
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 7, 2015
Places a guy on a unicycle is not going:
1) To get laid.
2) To make a bank deposit.
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) March 12, 2015
Just helped a man find his dog and I walked away with nothing. Helping people is the worst I could have had a new dog
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) October 5, 2015
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) October 7, 2015
For two summers I lived in a mini golf windmill doing research on angry dads.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) October 5, 2015
Trending on Facebook right now:
1. Everyone else's success.
— maggie mull (@infinitesimull) September 28, 2015
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
— olll (@dulcetry) October 3, 2015
If your funny story goes longer than 30 seconds I walk
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 4, 2015
I have some bad news. Are you sitting down? I didn't think so. Somebody stole all of our chairs.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) January 14, 2015
I love when we spend quality family time sitting by the light of our respective devices.
— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) September 24, 2015
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) December 28, 2014