Strap on your tweetbag and feast on these ridiculously satisfying jokes.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
— brent (@murrman5) September 15, 2015
How long does having a goatee stay on your credit report
— karate horse (@Karate_Horse) September 28, 2015
Found out you dont have to tell the barista your name if you're just there to poop
— Winbarryfairy (@Winbarryfairy) September 28, 2015
I've never had a flu shot in my life because I just see my body as a blown out garbage sack my soul is momentarily floating through.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) September 25, 2015
*has a nice day* *goes back to see checkout girl*
I did it
— WigCannon (@WigCannon) September 26, 2014
5 minutes passed and I couldn't remember why I was even in the kitchen. I finally just took a plum out of the fridge threw it in the trash.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) July 10, 2015
Finding water on Mars is important because this means the astronauts will be able to make Tang.
— Just Bill aka Clem Fandango (@WilliamAder) October 3, 2015
I recently joined the 2 step program. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is ignoring it.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) October 3, 2015
My dad got his CT scan results back today. Everything is fine, turns out he doesn't have dementia, he's just an asshole.
— Man (@henryjonesson) September 4, 2015
No I can't come to your Halloween party I'm 35
— Mattzilla™️ (@mattZillaaaa) October 12, 2014
*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family
Where's my phone?
— Mattzilla™️ (@mattZillaaaa) December 7, 2014
Are You There, God? It's Me, Hot Singles. I'm In Your Area.
— Rainbow Scorpion Death Fighter (@DrGhostbaby) July 21, 2013
at your Fed Ex retirement party you get to find out how many dildos you've delivered
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) September 30, 2015
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) September 29, 2015