Got a good list of tweets for you all today. Hope you like them. I picked ’em myself.
your call is important to us. like, super important. we all bought new outfits for this call. dave is wearing a wig
— Steve (@WigCannon) January 28, 2016
people have been asking to see my progress at the gym. i'm pretty shy so I might only keep this up for a few minutes pic.twitter.com/kz3gcRA2mh
— karate snake (@Karate_Horse) February 27, 2016
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or braised. I've enjoyed it baked too. Can't go wrong with Fried Revenge. The point is I'm mad at you.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) March 25, 2015
Do you even shelter your assets in shady tax havens, bro?
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) April 5, 2016
If you wait until the last minute, you only have to do it for that minute
— Cassie Ramoska (@cramoska) January 7, 2016
*tries to act cool but calls it vaporing*
— Derb (@ladybroseph) June 6, 2015
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.
— Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) January 7, 2013
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are pic.twitter.com/pN7JHLuQ7O
— ghost mom (@radtoria) December 1, 2015
Your porn name is place you got in 3rd grade spelling bee, pet’s name, grandma’s name + a dead president, mine is “First Lady Nancy Reagan.”
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) July 31, 2015
Just texted my mom a photo of some balls and she replied with another pic of balls so quickly that I'm starting to think they were my dad's
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 31, 2016
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
— eve (@hello_saylor) April 4, 2016
In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) April 1, 2016
"Fred, do you believe in ghosts?"
[I glance over to my all-ghost little league team & give them a thumbs up]
"I sure do"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 18, 2015
I've been called a lot of things in my life, but nothing worse than being called on the phone.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 8, 2016
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 2, 2014