Mike
Take a whiff of this fresh springtime basket of tweets…
ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 30, 2016
Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) July 23, 2015
LOL @ men who don't know the difference between the vagina and the vulva and the voltar and the vova and the clitaka and the doombox
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) December 7, 2015
https://twitter.com/thetigersez/status/608799455928684544
[police station]
Hello I'd like to report a crime.
"Fill this out."
I will speak only to Mariska Hargitay.— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) January 19, 2015
Sorry I'm late. I left late and the laws of physics wouldn't bend to my will.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) March 30, 2016
I've spent 30 years thinking about how Molly Ringwald's sushi lunch in The Breakfast Club was sitting in a warm library for 4 hours.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 22, 2014
https://twitter.com/WGladstone/status/488821084146262017
With arms like mine it's not so much "two tickets to the gun show" as it is "two guided tours of the chicken sausage factory"
— Lexie Mt. 𓅃🎃🦞🍉🍝 (@mountainlex) March 1, 2016
Growing up, my dad never let me beat him at chess. Taught me some important lessons, like "hate chess" and "quit chess forever."
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 17, 2014
https://twitter.com/Discountdracula/status/713794188324782080
https://twitter.com/Ty_Schutz/status/711594767809794049
https://twitter.com/bourgeoisalien/status/662258630972936192
If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 18, 2016
https://twitter.com/evepeyser/status/716405851888730112