Mike
Take a whiff of this fresh springtime basket of tweets…
ME: My dog's so happy I'm working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 30, 2016
Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) July 23, 2015
LOL @ men who don't know the difference between the vagina and the vulva and the voltar and the vova and the clitaka and the doombox
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) December 7, 2015
7 Stages of Dating Me
-She's pretty
-This is fun!
-She's mean, but it's a joke
-Nope, not a joke
-I'm scared
-Help
-Why is my house on fire?— Sarah (@thetigersez) June 11, 2015
[police station]
Hello I'd like to report a crime.
"Fill this out."
I will speak only to Mariska Hargitay.— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) January 19, 2015
Sorry I'm late. I left late and the laws of physics wouldn't bend to my will.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) March 30, 2016
I've spent 30 years thinking about how Molly Ringwald's sushi lunch in The Breakfast Club was sitting in a warm library for 4 hours.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) August 22, 2014
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it has pacing problems.
— Gladstone will leave here for a Nazi-free site (@WGladstone) July 14, 2014
With arms like mine it's not so much "two tickets to the gun show" as it is "two guided tours of the chicken sausage factory"
— lexie mountain (@mountainlex) March 1, 2016
Growing up, my dad never let me beat him at chess. Taught me some important lessons, like "hate chess" and "quit chess forever."
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 17, 2014
Write down everything you ever did that you're ashamed of. Throw it in the duck pond & let a swan choke on it.
— raw local honey (@Discountdracula) March 26, 2016
Before you name your dog, make sure you're okay with screaming it from your back porch in your underwear.
— Ty (@Ty_Schutz) March 20, 2016
I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
— beth angryoctopus (@bourgeoisalien) November 5, 2015
If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 18, 2016
*trying to be a wine connoisseur*
"I detect a hint of grape"— eve peyser (@evepeyser) April 2, 2016