Please enjoy this list of tweets while you eat your discounted Easter candy.
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) March 11, 2014
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
— Gretchen von Tongeln (@Metalligretch) June 9, 2015
these are the kids you sell a gram of oregano to for $25 pic.twitter.com/o8xhIKPveO
— baldy (@coospiah) March 22, 2016
Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.
— denise (@Stellacopter) March 23, 2016
A homeless guy asked me to move out with him.
— Dana Dane (@Dana_Bruno) October 5, 2012
I've thought about Gwen Stefani being older than Ted Cruz every day since I heard that information.
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 21, 2016
7 Stages of Grief:
6. Acceptance Speech
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) December 21, 2014
Date: I like a girl who can talk dirty
Me: your only two options are my regular speaking voice or my cheezburger cat voice.
— Alicia Tobin (@AliciaATobin) March 20, 2016
If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.
— thankstiving (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016
JOB INTERVIEWER: The offer is on the table
CAT JOB APPLICANT: *pushes offer off table*
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 25, 2016
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say "they've escaped. don't run. just walk very fast."
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 22, 2016
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
— Tippy (@WornOutMommy) April 21, 2015
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) December 30, 2015
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You're good to go.
— Mikos Von Beaverhaus (@iMikosnyc) June 29, 2014
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) April 23, 2014