Congratulations! You’ve stumbled upon a list of very funny tweets. Enjoy.
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013
"Carbon footprint" is too cool of a name for something we want to reduce. How about "filth signature"?
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) April 18, 2016
The plot to Terminator except they're trying to protect the inventor of wind chimes from me.
— Burt Baddercat (@Amusitr0n) January 26, 2015
I keep getting older, but the Spidermen stay the same age
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) June 23, 2015
before stairs there'd be someone on the second floor and people would ask "how'd you get up there" and they'd be like "i don't know"
— Steve (@WigCannon) April 19, 2016
The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. "It's 5486," says one guy, but it could've been 8 guys.
— ibid (@ibid78) November 18, 2014
Cabinets®: for when you want things indoors, twice!! Cabinets®
— murrman6 (@Karate_Horse) April 15, 2016
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn't ring* sure i'll get 1 more chicken
— hk (@ghostkrogh) April 18, 2016
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I'll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
— brent (@murrman5) November 4, 2014
People will sometimes have a child to save their marriage, and it works because it gives them a common enemy.
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) April 1, 2016
What they say:
Hi I'm Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.
What I remember:
Hi I'm BLERPBLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG or maybe GREG.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 29, 2016
WIFE: why is the visa bill so high?
ME: remember we talked about europe this summer?
M: now we can talk in a sweet ass dune buggy
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 2, 2015
Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name – it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 21, 2014
everyone's always asking me 'is your son named after the movie?' and I'm like no idiot Sharknado's 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) September 1, 2014
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) April 11, 2015