Mike
Tweets guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
"That'll be $19.94."
*pulls out $50 bill*
"Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?"
*pulls out $25 bill*— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 1, 2015
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
— Lyle Clippart (@Kyle_Lippert) July 8, 2011
https://twitter.com/RockabillyJay/status/519561803773145088
https://twitter.com/biorhythmist/status/309055335094689792
[hands hot dog vendor my credit card] leave it open
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) July 3, 2016
*He-Man at table read*
"By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say 'power' again here?"— ceeks (@70Ceeks) October 15, 2015
When someone asks "What's your favorite film?" instead of "What's your favorite movie?" I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) June 22, 2015
old ladies are insanely metal just say hi to any one of them for a 20min list of people that recently died
— ceej (@ceejoyner) July 19, 2016
https://twitter.com/le_buns/status/447027229923745792
https://twitter.com/Prof_Hinkley/status/560150538088493056
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island— Conventional mattress, the (VCR broke never saw i (@MrMichaelRose) September 12, 2015
where did i get this shirt? same place i get all my shirts. i challenged a guy to a fight& when he took off his shirt i put it on & ran away
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) January 15, 2015
Yeah, I'm basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*— Maebe Marbles (@maebemarbles) October 23, 2013
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going
— matt (@dogfather) May 24, 2016
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/578057529432768514