Mike
Please enjoy these words which have been arranged in a very agreeable way.
If you bump into someone you havent seen in 7 years, every cell has been replaced and they're someone new entirely. You don't have to say hi
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 3, 2014
None of the dogs who lost at the dog show know they lost or that they're at a dog show or that they're dogs.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) November 28, 2013
Didn't have time for Starbucks so I just lit seven dollars on fire and payed a homeless man to call me Brennan.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) September 2, 2016
So we're just done making castles?
— Nick "Mediocre at Best" Ross (@NickBossRoss) January 28, 2014
If vampires have no reflection how do they get their hair like that.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) August 24, 2016
What's your favorite thing about websites? I like getting mad
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) April 27, 2015
i'm great!! i'm good i'm doing good hahaha. i mean "well" haha! haha i'm doing well, not good! haha i'm not doing good! im not doing so good
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) September 2, 2016
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he's swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) August 30, 2016
https://twitter.com/crushingbort/status/463132110006784000
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
— warren christmas (@pharmasean) August 23, 2016
job posting: we offer competitive salaries, medical & dental, 401k, and two days where you don't work at end of the week called: The Weekend
— slick (@dlicj) March 19, 2016
you can't believe it's not butter? buddy, almost everything is not butter
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) June 5, 2016
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won't be laughing when it's time to pick it all up
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 25, 2016
Mentioning your best friend in front of regular friends lets them feel the sting of inadequacy they deserve!
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) August 14, 2016
FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.— Carl Kinsella (@TVsCarlKinsella) August 6, 2016