Tweets on tweets on tweets.
him: your single? why?
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 3, 2015
[farts on a windy day]
Go. Be among your own kind.
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 28, 2014
Big bird's middle name is damn
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) December 9, 2016
I'm super lazy which is just like regular lazy except honestly I don't even feel like putting this cape on.
— Big Troublemaker (@hatehug) January 21, 2016
It's The Great Pumpkin Rotting On The Porch I'm Waiting For Someone Else To Throw Away, Charlie Brown.
— Kim Holcomb (@kimholcomb) November 4, 2013
Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 1, 2013
When someone takes the last slice of pizza. pic.twitter.com/OqL2CRCgxO
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) December 2, 2016
"Well, this is me," I say climbing into a plant so that we're no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 22, 2014
WIFE: [on the phone] all he does is watch movie trailers now. its so annoying
ME: [right behind her] IN A WORLD WHERE LINDA IS TOO SENSITIVE
— local badboy-elect (@hippieswordfish) March 29, 2015
I'm not in fighting shape but this will be no problem pic.twitter.com/kbgc7GL1wN
— Michael Toilet (@bloodhaiI) December 9, 2016
Built a TV news desk in the living room. Area wife very upset.
— blake (@Leemanish) August 27, 2013
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
— double fro 7 (@fro_vo) December 1, 2016
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 13, 2013
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 19, 2016
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It's…your "signature sex move"
She: Judgmental Corpse?
— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 27, 2015