You look like you could use a laugh.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) June 25, 2012
I like it when you can tell which couple in a restaurant was fighting in the car right before they came in
— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) July 7, 2013
The reason cats are so pissy is they're God's perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
— David Thorpe (@Arr) September 11, 2016
parent: I'd do anything for my children!
Scientist: here's how to stave off climate change so your children can stay on earth
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 27, 2015
Katana is Japanese for "sword". In Japan they have great respect for swords and their moms dont knock them off the wall while vacuuming
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) April 27, 2014
Steve Jobs used to wear the same outfit everyday. Still does
— Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) December 27, 2015
Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he's destroying you in a rap battle pic.twitter.com/sk8MvLcTzk
— Daniel Kibblesmith From Work (@kibblesmith) October 20, 2016
So embarrassing when you think someone's waving at you and you wave back but it turns out they were just drowning.
— Alex Rubens (@atrubens) February 2, 2015
How do they get the hurricanes to arrive in alphabetical order tho
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 31, 2015
A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 8, 2015
MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn't stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 12, 2012
YOU CAN'T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
— mcc (@MattMcC1) November 25, 2016
Interviewer: Where were you born?
I: What state are you in now?
I: That's not what I meant.
M: I don't care.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) May 25, 2016
Is it too much to ask to just stand on a mountain, holding my sword aloft as lightning strikes it without some asshole painting me?
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) March 3, 2015