You know what’s really funny? These tweets.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Me: A large rat
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
— some quack 🎤🦆 (@hurlarious) September 7, 2015
doctor: i'm sorry but you have 3 months left to live
me: [i slide a $5 bill across the table] make it 1 month
— jhon with an j (@dearjhonletter) October 10, 2016
You'd think dudes named Chad would be cooler cause chill + rad.
— lady broseph 🇺🇸 (@ladybroseph) November 15, 2013
One positive thing that has come out of this election is how reading the news now qualifies as cardio.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 22, 2016
PRISONER: what's for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) October 5, 2016
I couldn't remember the term "hazmat suit," so I called it a "science burqa."
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) February 20, 2016
"Hey, we're wearing the same shoes," I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 23, 2015
Sometimes I see an ambulance & wonder if its for me; like I died moments ago & don't know it yet
MY DATE: I meant what do u do for a living
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) November 6, 2016
Live each day like it's Dateline recounting your last known movements before your unexplained disappearance.
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) August 6, 2015
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it
Humans: I haven't even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) December 20, 2015
Remember when we all bounced around unbelted in the back of wood-paneled station wagons with our sunburns and candy cigarettes?
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) July 6, 2016
Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) November 15, 2016
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled "YOURE WASTING SHIRTS" at the TV
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 9, 2016
e e cummings did pretty well for a person named after dolphins ejaculating
— garth james this website is hell (@garbagecoven) February 8, 2015
shocked and humbled by the man i have just seen open and eat a mars bar longways, "harmonica-style"
— crispin best (@crispinbest) November 15, 2016