Keep calm and read these fantastic tweets.
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven't slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
— Todd 'Papi Birthday' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 19, 2016
Teach kids about heaven by filling a blowup doll with helium and dressing it in their grandmother's clothes.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) October 28, 2016
is that a pocket in your pocket or are you just wearing cargo shorts
— Shira (@shiraselko) July 14, 2012
1. Type password.
2. See PASSWORD INCORRECT
3. Type exact same thing but harder and louder.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 28, 2016
I untangle my headphones like I'm in an infomercial for a product that keeps your headphones from tangling.
— Cate (@c8ters) October 10, 2015
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) September 18, 2014
Just turned wine into barf.
Your move, Jesus.
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) December 16, 2012
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
Girl, are you a Thanksgiving turkey, cuz it takes you 6 hours to get ready
— ☠️ Bonez ☠️ (@T_Bonezzz_) November 14, 2016
STRIPPER: so you're the birthday boy
ME: *nervous* yes
STRIPPER: is this your first time?
ME: *points to cake* no i'm turning 26
— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) November 15, 2016
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
— Kevin Sussman (@KevinSussman) July 21, 2015
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) April 26, 2016
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
— ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ123456789 (@mynameisntdave) August 17, 2016
"No means no."
-Day 1 of Spanish class
— Goats? (@Gooooats) April 21, 2015