"What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me"
-guy who invented sports
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 1, 2015
mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-
*mouse passengers squeal with delight*
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) March 28, 2016
WHATCHA GONNA DO BROTHER WHEN HULKAMANIA TAKES YOUR MOM OUT & SLOWLY BECOMES YOUR CONTROLLING STEPFATHER!
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) April 2, 2014
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number
Dolphin:Well, I don't normally do this. But yes I'm free tonight
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) May 13, 2016
Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.
— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) January 27, 2016
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) March 13, 2015
I'm no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
— Boog (@BoogTweets) January 12, 2017
I periodically look up from my desk with a little smile in case someone is filming sitcom credits
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) October 2, 2015
Dear Mr. Levine,
I received your letter, and yes, Spider-Man does eat his own webs. It makes him stronger, but more insane.
— Adam Levine (@aclevine86) January 25, 2016
He's not even trying anymore… pic.twitter.com/DHxbkqKy6q
— mo (@chuuew) January 16, 2017
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
— phil mann (@philmann) April 28, 2015
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
— Dropped Mike (@misfarber) November 23, 2016
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) February 27, 2015
[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) August 11, 2015
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) September 28, 2016