Mike
Laughter is considered a good workout. You can skip the gym today.
Dads are like boomerangs, I hope.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) August 17, 2012
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) December 3, 2013
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress…it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) March 28, 2015
daniel radcliffe's family were just known as the cliffe's until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) January 10, 2017
[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that's why i brought you here— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/philyuck/status/428928584212705281
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It's…your "signature sex move"
She: Judgmental Corpse?— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) March 27, 2015
alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i'm the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why— derek (@eedrk) May 26, 2015
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
— big b (the b stands for butt) (@MikeBigby) April 25, 2016
Originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) January 18, 2017
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 13, 2015
Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life.
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) February 27, 2013
No thanks, mood rings. I have a face.
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) August 26, 2013
The weatherman said it's nice outside. I guess they don't let him watch the rest of the news.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) June 17, 2015