Tuck into this nice fresh list of quality tweets.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say "Uh Oh Spaghetti O's" when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O's
— Bad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 10, 2016
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) February 17, 2017
Best seat in the house pic.twitter.com/AwZ3bOtrn5
— derek (@eedrk) February 9, 2017
Combine all sports into one sport called Ballstorm and then maybe I'll watch it
— Shawn (@online_shawn) September 10, 2015
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn't even care if I killed someone in front of him.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) March 10, 2014
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 24, 2016
World's worst sorority pic.twitter.com/EekqJXpO5I
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) August 20, 2015
Shoes are just strap-on floors.
— Yael (@elle91) February 23, 2015
I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) February 17, 2017
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) January 9, 2017
Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) October 7, 2015
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) February 9, 2017
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) February 1, 2017
[After losing a rap battle]
"How did he get a hold of my credit score?"
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015
swipe down on tinder to send people straight to hell
— village fetish (@botandy) May 1, 2016