Nothing takes the sting out of Monday like some premium chuckles.
hm can't decide what i want to order. what do you recommend on the menu? what are the chef's specials? what did the car in front of me get
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) August 7, 2014
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
— ErinEph (@ErinEph) December 10, 2014
Calm down, notebook, no it didn't. pic.twitter.com/ebZfgZLUbN
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) January 27, 2016
All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 15, 2017
Find the one thing you love and shut up about it
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 22, 2015
I’ve never been camping, but once my phone died and I looked up and saw a tree.
— beth angryoctopus (@bourgeoisalien) August 12, 2015
If you pretend to be dead long enough, people come along and do your hair & makeup for free.
— olll (@dulcetry) May 3, 2015
I know it's time to do the dishes because this morning I ate cereal with the last clean ping-pong paddle.
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 28, 2014
*does entire Indianapolis 500 with right blinker on*
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 24, 2015
'welcome to subway how can i-'
ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID
M: IS IT HIS PISS
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) March 12, 2015
[2 gators hanging out on a river bank]
"Remind me again, Carl. Are we crocodiles or–"
We're alligators, Gary. Jesus Christ.
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 4, 2014
Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
— ibid (@ibid78) December 23, 2014
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I'm pretty hot actually
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 7, 2015
There was a time before Google where you could say what ever you want and nobody could prove you wrong without going to the library
— Captain Riley (@RileyCaptain) April 23, 2015
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 3, 2015