Put on your fins and snorkel because we’re plunging into the Twitter deep-end…
BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you're a zoo keeper none of them should get away
— tomsauced (@trojansauce) March 22, 2017
When I was a kid, I thought a sexist was someone who enjoys sex, but I eventually realized it's someone who deserves none.
— Abby Normal (@MrsTomServo) March 2, 2017
If you must imagine an otter wearing a lil top hat, AT LEAST add a pretend chin strap so he doesn't lose it in the ocean
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) March 9, 2017
BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
BT: and a last?
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 29, 2016
When you see only 1 set of footprints in the sand-that was when I carried you; when you saw those weird lines that was when we got heelys
— Marin (@marinhubka) December 23, 2014
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what's your- your- *looks over to boss*
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) March 27, 2017
Always give a thumbs up while yawning so deaf people know you’re not screaming.
— Troutman (@robotrowboat) January 6, 2015
Humans are just ghost sweaters.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) October 3, 2015
JUDGE: Your word is catastrophe.
ME: Y. O. U. R. F. A. C. E.
*all the mics in the room simultaneously drop to the floor*
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) July 28, 2016
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
— ye olde Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016
DR: you have this disease
ME: oh no
DR: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
ME: OH NO
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) February 18, 2017
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
— Link In My Bio (@aka_fatman) October 4, 2015
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) October 9, 2014