These tweets are gluten-free but you won’t be able to tell the difference.
The canary looked up from the cage where it had pretended to die. The last of the miners had fled. Fools. The sweet, sweet coal was all his.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) October 3, 2013
By now everyone should have picked a spring look. If you haven't chosen a spring look, one will be assigned to you.
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) March 18, 2016
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) July 29, 2015
You try to teach your kids well but then you hear them say "hospital truck" when an ambulance goes by and you wonder what else you forgot.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 13, 2017
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) March 4, 2017
I got no shame about showing up at your party on time. You said 9 it's 9:06 let's go. I'm ready to small talk your work pal from 2 jobs ago!
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) February 28, 2017
Me: Oh ho ho leaving early are we?
Guy at work whose wife died around 4:30: yeah
— vineyille (@vineyille) February 23, 2017
World's worst sorority pic.twitter.com/EekqJXpO5I
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) August 20, 2015
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you're a zoo keeper none of them should get away
— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) March 22, 2017
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
— Todd 'Papi Birthday' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 22, 2017
people are looking at the conveyor belt waiting for their luggage to come out. suddenly i emerge, sitting on a picnic blanket eating dinner
— herbie (@obviouslyherbie) November 24, 2016
[tunes an acoustic guitar for 5 minutes and then screams into the hole]
— Shawn (@online_shawn) April 24, 2016
DAD [megaphone]: Son, free the hostages
SON [in bank]: ONLY IF U HUG ME, DAD
COP: Talk to him!
DAD [megaphone]: I'll put ur mother on
— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) April 30, 2015
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.
— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) August 19, 2015