Tweets, tweets everywhere, so let’s all have a laugh.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 15, 2017
Hobbies include going to garage sales and casually leaving my old stuff on their tables.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 15, 2017
Your password must contain at least two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.
— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) October 14, 2014
When you growing your replacement body. pic.twitter.com/Zy010pWW6Q
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) April 22, 2017
Are You There God? It's Me, Your Cousin, Marvin God
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 9, 2017
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
When I get my own dragon, the first thing I'm doing is attacking a renaissance faire.
— Spencer Robinson (@13spencer) July 23, 2012
Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he's for
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) January 6, 2016
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) August 23, 2016
I was quite flexible when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man because my uncle was murdered.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 21, 2017
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) April 20, 2017
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) June 3, 2016
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
— Dee (@figgled) August 1, 2016
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 18, 2015
"There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
— MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) February 27, 2015