Mike
I hope you like tweets, because I got you these 15 great ones, and if you don’t read them I’ll just have to throw them out. There are less fortunate people out there who would love to read these tweets. Just saying.
1.
Lil' Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim
— blake (@Leemanish) November 17, 2015
2.
Moms are just cops who love you
— kid block (@senderblock23) October 23, 2014
3.
As long as there are parrot cages, print media will survive
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 18, 2016
4.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I'd know how the outfit would look on me
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) September 22, 2017
5.
Me, 6 am to 10:30 pm — "I'm so tired."
Me, 11 pm — "I can't sleep."
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) September 14, 2017
6.
Once every ten years a traffic light will turn blue. There are 7 drivers who know what to do.
— consarn it (@malt_skull) August 3, 2017
7.
Wind chimes, but it's hot dogs. The soothing sound of wind meat
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) September 25, 2017
8.
[The Price Is Right]
Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is
Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right
— thom, the fool (@Barknado69) January 2, 2017
9.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 27, 2017
10.
Age 10: I'm going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) August 9, 2017
11.
I love how The Beatles are called "the most successful band in modern history" like they can't quite top that band from ancient history.
— novixv? (@novixv) April 9, 2016
12.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 23, 2015
13.
"Congrats" is my favorite because it says "I'm happy for you, but not happy enough to write a 15 letter word. Let's not get crazy"
— jess (@jessokfine) May 12, 2016
14.
I'm a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 5, 2016
15.
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 26, 2015