I hope you like tweets, because I got you these 15 great ones, and if you don’t read them I’ll just have to throw them out. There are less fortunate people out there who would love to read these tweets. Just saying.
Lil' Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim
— blake (@Leemanish) November 17, 2015
Moms are just cops who love you
— kid block (@senderblock23) October 23, 2014
As long as there are parrot cages, print media will survive
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 18, 2016
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I'd know how the outfit would look on me
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) September 22, 2017
Me, 6 am to 10:30 pm — "I'm so tired."
Me, 11 pm — "I can't sleep."
— J.D. Altman (@NicCageMatch) September 14, 2017
Once every ten years a traffic light will turn blue. There are 7 drivers who know what to do.
— crepey guuy (@malt_skull) August 3, 2017
Wind chimes, but it's hot dogs. The soothing sound of wind meat
— scaredy☠️schmox (@IvoryGazelle) September 25, 2017
[The Price Is Right]
Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is
Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right
— thom (@Barknado69) January 2, 2017
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) September 27, 2017
Age 10: I'm going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) August 9, 2017
I love how The Beatles are called "the most successful band in modern history" like they can't quite top that band from ancient history.
— novixv is a goth (@novixv) April 9, 2016
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You've made a powerful enemy today, baby
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 23, 2015
"Congrats" is my favorite because it says "I'm happy for you, but not happy enough to write a 15 letter word. Let's not get crazy"
— Jess is Spooky (@jessokfine) May 12, 2016
I'm a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 5, 2016
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
— Mike F (@mikefossey) April 26, 2015