Kick off your week with some ha-has.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 10, 2015
as a kid, Halloween was cool bc it was the only time you got to see inside of that one weird neighbor's house for a few sec
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 11, 2017
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 14, 2013
ME: [dropping pizza] five second rule
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [gently slitting my throat] linear time is an illusion of perspective
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) January 27, 2017
not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information pic.twitter.com/zsdRtWfa4t
— she need some milk (@coolado_) September 10, 2017
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him
— deg (@degg) October 13, 2013
you, watching the mask: I want what he's smokin haha
me: he's not on any drugs. it's that mask. it makes him act wild
— slick (@dlicj) August 31, 2017
some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
— famous crab 2016 (@famouscrab) May 19, 2013
Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand
— tanks (@Burger_Time_) January 24, 2015
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
— Froghammer (@froghammer) October 5, 2012
Girl: Some1 in my house can't call 911 they'll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don't seem desperate): hey
— derek (@eedrk) July 17, 2017
Sign says World's Largest Ravioli. "Where's the filling?" people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) June 30, 2017
*at the table factory*
Lets make a really tall tiny one
BOSS: get your head out of the clouds McPodium
— tanks (@Burger_Time_) May 17, 2015
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance
— Lozenge🚽™ (@LostCatDog) August 8, 2013