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People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 1, 2017
Tina, did you have a drink on your lunch break? I won't be mad if you are just honest with me. Tina. I can see you behind that twig. TINA. pic.twitter.com/lMq4zf2sXY
— mamrie hart (@mametown) September 4, 2017
Me, 6 am to 10:30 pm — "I'm so tired."
Me, 11 pm — "I can't sleep."
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) September 14, 2017
Twitter's original name was "Sentence Contest"
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) March 15, 2013
Him: But was Nirvana really that influential?
Me: Yes. All the proof you need is that an entire generation thinks "nevermind" is one word.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 16, 2017
When you die, a carny helps you out of your human body, waits to see if you're going to throw up, then asks if you want to go again.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) September 9, 2017
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
— wylde de beest (@flashember) April 21, 2017
somethin kinda neat i found out…if you ignore a problem for long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. so 50/50. pretty good odds.
— bobby new year (@bobby) July 6, 2017
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 13, 2017
the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it's a coherent narrative you endorse
— killer kike (@hiitsmolly) August 24, 2017
It's too early for this U-Haul to be mocking me pic.twitter.com/ks6kuVa4oY
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) July 23, 2017
WOMAN: I do not want to have sex with you
MAN: Women are so mysterious
— Turkey Jerky (@MarkAgee) July 28, 2015
Your twenties are about letting approx 3 people see how insane you are and then making up for it for the rest of your life
— ariana lenarsky (@aardvarsk) September 14, 2017
I don't struggle with depression. Like at this point I have it down. I'm good at depression.
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) August 19, 2017
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
— Todd 'Papi Birthday' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 13, 2017