Mike
Ask your doctor if HilariousTweets are right for you. (they are)
1.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing's for bears— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 17, 2017
2.
what kind of dressing is on that salad oh nice mine is 1001 islands no big deal though
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 20, 2017
3.
Every rock song from 1975-89 fit one of these
1. I wanna rock
2. I'll never stop rocking
3. Parents hate rock
4. I'm horny for a 14 year old— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) September 7, 2017
4.
we promise our cheesy bread is the cheesiest or we'll kill one employee an hour until you agree
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) November 14, 2013
5.
Next time you meet someone with the same first name as you, act like you didn't know that was a thing and get mad at them for it.
— MJ (@sucittaM) June 25, 2017
6.
Superman doesn't have to put his arms up to fly, it's not more aerodynamic or anything. He's just showing off
Wife [googling divorce] What?
— thankstiving (@lawbsterfest) May 24, 2017
7.
girl at the bar: You're funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 16, 2017
8.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
— jess (@jessokfine) April 3, 2015
9.
*covers thighs in powdered sugar like an Olympic gymnast*
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) August 12, 2016
10.
[introducing coworkers as they walk into work like they're a starting lineup] shes 5'2 only owns 3 outfits and still owes me SIX DOLLAAAAARS
— brent (@murrman5) June 12, 2017
11.
What's up guys Epic Prank Dad 87 here, today my son thinks he's going to the zoo but instead I'm going to hit him with my car
— vineyille (@vineyille) May 2, 2017
12.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
— Chris Stephens (@ChrisStephensMD) September 6, 2017
13.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I'm definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back "lol" after a few minutes.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) March 8, 2014
14.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015
15.
I saw a guy rip open a box at the grocery store and shove a handful of frozen chicken nuggets into his pocket, so I guess my life is ok.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) September 29, 2016