How to Relive Your Awkward Teen Years

If only you had a time machine!

Do you remember a time in your life when your math homework was the biggest concern in your life? Are you sick of the responsibilities of earning a paycheck and paying your bills? Have you ever wanted to relive your days of youth, even if just for a day?

If so, then chances are you’re looking to relive your awkward teen years. Sure these bumbling, gawky years of existence had a few downsides, but all in all it was a great time of discovery, growth and independence in your life. If you want to enjoy these bygone days of yesteryear, then simply follow these easy steps:

Shave Your Chest Hair

Remember how exciting it was to see those first few sprouts of body hair growing on your chest? Well, that feeling of “becoming a man” (or woman) can be all yours again with a few strokes of a razor. With a smooth chest, armpits and “other” regions, you’ll truly feel like a kid all over again. Then, as the hair starts to grow back, you can proudly march around your home and swimming pool with your shirt off to show everyone how mature you are becoming.

Get Braces for Your Teeth

No accessory is more associated with the awkward teen years than braces. Cover those pearly white teeth of yours with a mouth full of metal, and you’ll instantly be transported back to a simpler time. Not only will you look younger, but you’ll also FEEL younger thanks to the constant barrage of insults thrown at you by co-workers, family and friends. It’s been a long time since you’ve been made fun of for your appearance, hasn’t it? Well with those retorts of “brace face” and “metal mouth” being shot at you from friends and co-workers, you’ll feel like you’re back in 8th-grade gym class all over again!

Wear a New Kids on the Block T-Shirt

Reliving your awkward years isn’t just about a hairless body and a mouth full of crooked teeth. It’s also about awkward fashion choices. To dress the part of an awkward teen, consider pulling your favorite under-sized concert t-shirt out of your memorabilia box. Other good fashion options might include:

Get Boners All the Time (and for No Reason)

Remember when it took nothing more than a few bumps in the road to give you an embarrassing erection? While going back to those exciting first years of sexual discovery is never going to happen, you can relive those enjoyable days of puberty by getting boners all the time and for no reason whatsoever (ladies, feel free to skip this step). For added enjoyment, refuse to get out of your chair the next time the boss asks you to come up and give your PowerPoint presentation.


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Teenage Moon Seeks to Distance Self From Mother Earth

Look mom, I know I’ve been orbiting around you now for the past 4.25 billion years, but I’m not a loose spinning mass of hot molten rock anymore. I solidified into a full-fledged celestial body eons ago.

Which is why I would really appreciate it if you stopped treating me like a little comet and let up on your gravitational pull a bit. I’m the fifth-largest satellite in my universe for Kepler‘s sake. I can’t be seen orbiting around you at all hours anymore – especially Saturday nights! No offense mom, but I need to be hanging out with moons my own age. You know, like my friends, the Uranus twins.

No, Titania and Oberon are NOT bad influences! I already told you, they ARE NOT seasonally active. And even if they were, so what? Plenty of moon my size are seasonally active. Also, might I add that their mom lets them stay out past 250,000 miles – even on weeknights? And have they been found dead in some back alley corner of the universe yet? No!

You know, I hate to say it, but I figured out a long time ago that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. And I appreciate you holding me in your orbit for all these years, but I’m ready to go out and explore the universe on my own now.

I’m going to be my own planet soon – you just wait and see. And how am I going to go off and find my own orbital path around the sun if you don’t give me a little independence?

You’re right mom, there are a lot of dangerous things out their in the universe. I could get pummeled by an asteroid belt, scarred by a rogue comet, or worse, I could fall and slip into a black hole. But isn’t that what being a moon is all about? Learning from my mistakes?

Look, I’m not saying I don’t want to be your moon anymore. Even if I do go off and become my own planet, I’ll always keep coming back to visit. I mean, my frequency of visits will depend on the total radius of my orbit, but you can bet I’ll be by on a regular basis.

Oh, no mom, your axial tilt won’t be all thrown out of whack if I leave! You’ll be fine! You’re one of the strongest, most self-sustainable planets I know – and the only one to figure out how to harbor intelligent life, I might add. Sure, things will change a little when I’m gone – I’m sure plenty of people will miss the ocean tides – but change isn’t always a bad thing. I mean, with me gone, humans won’t have to worry about werewolf attacks anymore. That’s a good thing, right?

Yes mom, I know. Werewolves aren’t real. That was a joke. But hey, I’m growing up. And it’s only natural for planetary satellites to want to go out on their own and be their own planet. It’s a sign that you raised me right. So just do me a favor and think about it, okay?

Thank you, now let’s shake off this depressing mood we’ve created in here. Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up – how about one of our famous mother/son lunar eclipses? You know, for old times sake? Great! That’s the spirit, I’ll call the sun and tell him to come right over…


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My Brother, The Show-Off

Probably my biggest pet peeve about my younger brother, Pete, is the fact that he is an over-achiever. Don’t get me wrong, my brother is great, but when it comes to a lot of things, he can be a real show off. You know the type of person that corrects your grammar, reads for “fun” and suggests that he come pick you up at your house because he “owns a car.” Yeah, well that annoying guy is my brother.


Of course, it was the worst when we were kids and lived together. Everything was a competition to him. For example, when I was 14 and he was 10, I drew a picture of our family and gave it to my parents. So, he went right off and drew an even better picture of the family – one that actually looked like people, and not a bunch of random crayon scribbles. Also, he wrote “family” under the picture, instead of “famlee.”

And it wasn’t just art or speling that he had to show off with. When eating, he really went out of his way to make sure that each bite of food made it into his mouth on the very first try. And once the food was in there, it would almost never fall back out and onto his lap, no matter how many times he chewed before swallowing.

I guess some people think that type of thing is impressive. But to me – and most people, I think – that sort of thing just smacks of desperation. I mean, sure, I could take the lid off of my sippy cup and just drink straight from the edge of the cup if I WANTED to, but really, I don’t feel the need to show off like that.

Doesn’t he realize that it’s normal for people to misspell the occasional word? Or have trouble eating with a fork? Or wear Velcro shoes because it’s easier than learning how to tie shoe laces?

And believe me, I’ve told him numerous times, “you’d probably have more fun if you stopped putting so much pressure on yourself.” But, of course, he just feels the need to point out that the word “probably” isn’t pronounced “prob-ob-ally.”

I suppose things are better now that we’re all growed up and don’t live under the same roof anymore. But still, whenever we get together it’s the same old thing. Sometimes, I’ll try to call him out on it, but it never works.

Like last week, I went over to Pete’s, and he’s talking to everyone like I don’t know what he’s doing. And everyone’s looking at me all weird, like they want me to say something about it. So, finally I pipe up and say, “Oh wow, look everyone, Pete buttoned all of the buttons on his dress shirt today! And, look, he didn’t forget to wear his pants, either. Wow – he is SO cool! And also, he’s prob-ob-ably not even wearing a diaper underneath.”

I mean, if it were me, and I were throwing my daughter a high school graduation party, I don’t think I would try to STEAL the spotlight from her by doing all of that.

But apparently, that’s just me because Pete and all of his perfect, over-achieving friends asked me to leave. Which was fine, because I really didn’t want to hear them talk about how they “have jobs” and know “how to read a non-digital clock” all night long.

Anyway, as you can see my brother has some flaws, but like I said earlier, overall he’s pretty great. I mean, sure he’s kind of a show off, but I know he loves me. How do I know? Because when I forget how to breathe, he always tells me to open my mouth in inhale before I choke to death.


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My Favorite Vacation

Probably my favorite vacation of all time would have to be the time my dad took me camping, just me and him. I can’t recall another time where I had more fun, adventure and gun fights in my entire lifetime!

What’s funny is that the trip wasn’t even planned at all. One day, my dad just got a wild hair up his butt to go on a trip. Dad was spontaneous like that, but I think part of what had to do with it, was all the policemen he saw coming up our walkway right before we left.

I’m not sure, but I think my old pa saw all those guns in the hands of those policemen, and it made him think of going hunting, which made him think of the woods. Whatever the case, we grabbed our camping gear and hopped in that brand-new truck he had found the day before and we headed to the woods to go camping (or as he put it, “on the lamb”).

Which was fine by me, because I didn’t feel like going to school anyways that day.

I never realized it before, but my dad was a real big environmentalist. As soon as we got there, he was real concerned about leaving the wilderness in the same condition as when we found it. Which is why I guess we covered the truck in a bunch of leaves and stuff and then erased the tire tracks that led up to the road.

After we hiked for a couple hours, it was time to pitch the tent. Dad must have thought it was a good chance to teach me about the importance of hard work or something, because I put the tent together myself while he supervised and counted all the money he’d packed in his suitcase.

Later, we went canoing and dad got real sore at me when he caught me texting with my cell phone. He started yelling about radio towers and triangulation and stuff and how this was a “no technology” trip. At first I was mad – I mean, no cell phones? But then I realized he just wanted to live off the land like real mountain men. Which is why I wasn’t too upset when he took the battery out of the phone and threw both pieces into opposite sides of the lake.

At night, dad would make a campfire and we’d eat cans of beans while he told ghost stories. This was great, because dad had a really good imagination and always told ghost stories I’d never heard before. Like the one about the ghost bank robber who haunted 27 different branches of First National Bank without ever getting caught by the Ghostbusters even once.

About the fifth night into our vacation, we heard a bunch of dogs barking, and dad said it was time to go camping somewhere else. So we jumped up and decided to go for a nice night jog so we could find a new campsite as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, we never got to find a second campsite, because my dad ran into one of his coworkers along this little dirt road and he got called back into work. So they dropped me off back at home and dad’s friend took him back to the office.

They must be keeping dad real busy at work, I guess, because he hasn’t been home since. That’s okay, though, because mom takes me to visit him at work all the time. I’m not sure what he does, but it must be real important – there’s lots of security and bars on the doors to make sure no one can break in and steal all dad’s important business stuff.


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