Facts About Hell

Have you ever considered selling your soul to the devil, but aren’t sure whether or not you could handle an eternity in Hell? Well, my friends, I’ve been to hell and back (literally). And I’m here to tell you that those Christians have taken a few liberties when it comes to the sheer awfulness of Satan’s abode.

hellSure, the place is unpleasant – no one’s debating that. But really, it’s not as bad as everyone would have you believe. So before you go signing your soul over to the devil in exchange for “cooking lessons from ex-NBA all-star Muggsy Bogues,” you might want to weigh the improvement of your short ribs recipe against these true facts about hell:

Yes, with all that fire and brimstone, it can get pretty hot down in hell. But with the abundance of air conditioning units, it’s not he heat that will get you…it’s the electric bills! $0.29 per kilowatt/hour? Talk about price gouging!

I guess you could call the punishment down there torture – having a demon walk you through a 5-hour slideshow of his “vacation of an after-lifetime” to the River Styx for the millionth time can be pretty excruciating. But if you sneak in a crossword puzzle, it’s not all that bad. Also, you can bet beforehand with your buddy on how many times the demon will use the phrase “totally awesome” during his speech, and that helps make things interesting.

There is a game room that humans can enjoy during free time, but the deck of cards is missing the 4 of spades. Also, you can only be The Iron in Monopoly, and the game of Trouble has a broken Pop-o-matic bubble.

Everyone has to walk around with their biggest sin embroidered on their shirts. Can you believe that? EMBROIDERED!? How nerdy is that!?

When you get there, you’ll be assigned to a dormitory. Overcrowding is an issue, so you’ll be bunking with three other people (and there’s only one bunk bed). Also, the RAs are total hard-asses  (no girls after 9 p.m. and no hotplates. Like ever.).

You will be forced to experience your greatest fear over and over again. But the process for determining your greatest fear (i.e. asking you) opens the door for lying. And that means you can just make your greatest fear whatever you want (mine was “too many puppies”).

Purgatory is right next door. It seems nice. They have a swimming pool.

Contrary to popular belief, you cannot “win” your soul back from the devil by out-fiddling him in a fiddle competition or out-chessing him in a game of chess. Instead, you must beat him in an “Iron Chef” style cooking competition. Lucky for me, my theme ingredient was short ribs (Muggsy Bogues with the assist!).


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How To Get A Job In Hell

Okay, let’s just go ahead and admit it: the Jehovah’s Witnesses are right. Sure, we may not want to admit it, but by now it seems pretty obvious. And unless you’re willing to convert and give up all those fun holidays (Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Talk Like A Pirate Day), that means you don’t have a chance in hell (zing) at nabbing one of those 144,000 spots in heaven.

Image of HellThis likely means you’re going to hell. And from what I’ve gathered from cartoons, that place isn’t exactly a great spot for spending all of eternity. However, if we’re all doomed to such a fate, we might as well make the best of a bad situation. Which means if you want the time to go by faster, you need a way to break up the boredom and monotony of 24/7 torture. The best way to do this is by getting a job.

Unfortunately, with so many sinners wasting away in hell, competition is fierce for the few jobs that are available. Here are some good ways to land a job in hell:

Overthrow a Demon

Let’s face it – Satan’s demon helpers have all the best jobs. Decapitator, Senior Whipper, Square Dance Coordinator – these are the jobs that go to Satan’s buddies. Since no one would ever willingly give up one of these prime positions, it’s gonna take some trickery on your part to pull the old switcheroo and land the job of your dreams.

Unfortunately, strong-arm tactics seldom work on demons (those suckers are ripped). But like any common meathead, they can be tricked with brainpower. For example, is you’re your particular demon allergic to peanuts? Bake him some peanut butter cookies on his birthday and present it to him in a handsome colored cellophane wrapper (with personalized card). He’ll be so touched that he’ll gobble them down without so much as a thought. When he starts convulsing, grab his sword/whip/blowtorch and go to town.

IMPORTANT: Be sure to rip off his head and place it over your own. This will allow you to absorb his superhuman powers.

Other potential ways to overthrow a demon include singing a lullaby until it falls asleep, beating him in a square dance competition, or simply pointing to its weapon and saying, “Hey, cool. Can I see that for a second?”

Talk to Gary

If you want to go the traditional job route, then you’re gonna have to go talk to Gary. Gary is the human resources manager in hell. If you’re really eager to get to work, a few less appealing positions may be immediately offered to you – Blood Mopper, Assistant Rapist, etc.

However, if you want a more stimulating position, you’re going to have to go through Gary’s interview process, which can be extensive.

If Gary likes what he sees, then he’ll use a highly technical selection process to place you in a more exciting job position. What does Gary like to see? Well, a suit and tie doesn’t hurt. Also, any experience with castration might be helpful. But to really win Gary over, here’s a little hint: flattery will get you EVERYWHERE!

So what kind of jobs can you expect Gary to pull out of his hat? Mid-level positions mostly. Things like Beast Groomer, Moat Scrubber and Square Dance Caller. However, if you’re really lucky, a more creative job may have you designing next season’s line of tattered rags or coordinating the demons’ annual Spring Fling.

Create Your Own Job

Did you spot a need that hasn’t been met by hell’s present job industry? Then think like an entrepreneur and start your own business! There are plenty of successful entrepreneurs in hell these days. For example, Ghengis Khan – after continually escaping from his slave cage – went on to form CageSecure, a thriving consulting company that promises to “Keep Slaves Caged!”

Of course, your enterprise doesn’t need to be as technical as this. Audrey Hepburne runs a thriving dry cleaning service. Just keep your eyes peeled, and eventually you may not just be avoiding torture, but also raking in more than your fair share of Hell’s monetary currency (goat carcasses).


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