Jeff Wysaski
If you don’t like Twitter, then it’s because you’re not following the right people…
[CSI at Starbucks]
"Ma'am you've been robbed. Suspect is at large."
Barista: At what?
"At large"
At what?
"At venti?"
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 22, 2014
*pins world map to wall*
*swears to visit wherever dart lands*
*throws dart at bed*— FroVoving (@fro_vo) January 8, 2015
"murder" she wrote
"your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter" the screen said
"murd3R" she wrote, frowning— Joe West (@joejwest) January 5, 2015
[takes off jacket and lays it across puddle]
There ya go buddy, you looked cold.
— keith (@ghostkrogh) January 2, 2015
Welcome to rhetorical question club. Are you all stoked or what? GOD DAMMIT PHIL PUT YOUR HAND DOWN
— neens (@ninatreemonkey) December 4, 2014
Sean Connery trying to train his dog to sit but it just keeps pooping on the floor
— just don (@dongfuture) October 13, 2014
[interview]
"What's your strongest trait?"My fingers.
"No, like… Are you pinching me??"
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) January 9, 2015
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it's *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough— Jakob Huber (@jakob_huber) August 20, 2014
Congratulations on your pregnancy and also on being my new designated driver.
— olll (@dulcetry) September 17, 2014
APPLE: Have you ever been kayaking?
2ND APPLE: No.
APPLE: I hear it's really good for your core.
2ND APPLE: I don't want to be in this tweet— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 20, 2014
[at the cat shelter]
Yes hello I'd like to start a tab, please— moody monday (@mdob11) December 23, 2014
"Frosted Flakes are $4.50? Definitely can't afford that."
*pays $7 for one beer later that night*— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) August 28, 2014
That's me in the corner.
That's me in the spotlight.
That's me in Paris with my wife. Such a great trip.– Michael Stipe showing you photos
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 3, 2015
Cop: There's dynamite hanging from the ceiling!
Me: Actually that's dynaTITE. You see dynaMITE grows up from the ground whereas—
[explosion]— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) December 20, 2014
Batman: Good job Robin!
Robin: Thanks Batman!
Batman: We should cuddle
Robin: What?
Batman: What? I didn't say anything— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 4, 2015