Jeff Wysaski
Here’s a breath of fresh comedy from the folks over on Twitter…
*gently takes Chuck Norris' hand*
Let's turn this roundhouse into a roundhome.
— Hedgehog Ninja (@werehedgehog) December 27, 2014
https://twitter.com/buttgh0st/status/443579984389492736
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) October 6, 2014
nothing says "you're safe here, white people" like a big ass bowl of pine cones
— knth (@painted_eel) January 20, 2014
https://twitter.com/Laser_Cat/status/566318151701254144
[Don't let hot barrista know I'm a goose]
"Can I get you a coffee?"
Just a honk chonklate for me
"A what?"
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) February 9, 2015
ME: i'd like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you're just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 29, 2015
I'm like a classic Disney princess in that I'm often asleep.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 14, 2015
https://twitter.com/crylenol/status/567036248498257920
DOG COP: [walks past car]
[sees own reflection in window]
Sir you can't park here
[taps glass]
Don't copy me
[pulls gun]
HE'S GOT A GUN— Joe West (@joejwest) February 12, 2015
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/566300870464122880
can't believe ppl do somethin so foolish & permanent as get tattoos. they should be responsible & get a 30 year mortgage in a town they hate
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 2, 2014
You hang Up.
"No you hang Up."
No YOU hang Up.
"No YOU hang Up."– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 8, 2015
What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? Hurry. This thing is creeping me out.
— guterman (@danguterman) January 30, 2015
You can tell how unstable someone is by how loud they scream when they drop their phone
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) February 12, 2015