Mike
I’m not saying reading these tweets will make this the best week of your life, but it’s a good start.
I'm unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
— crappystuffforjerks (@somecleverthing) May 25, 2014
https://twitter.com/cloudypianos/status/623777036373340160
https://twitter.com/msdanifernandez/status/614951342780452865
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/621894702862745601
https://twitter.com/KelgoreTrout/status/622444295941853184
https://twitter.com/cosondra/status/396773080493604864
https://twitter.com/thetigersez/status/621470826139758593
https://twitter.com/_troyjohnson/status/577504506268680192
I spend a lot of time waiting to be hungry again
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 20, 2015
https://twitter.com/SomeChrisTweets/status/621912856422780929
The crows finally finished building their scarehuman. It worked.
— uel (disconnected) (@ThePatanoiac) May 25, 2015
That’s as American as:
A) apple pie
B) baseball
C) outsourcing jobs to other countries
D) gun violence
E) white Jesus
F) all of the above— Dr. Bucky Isotope, why am I here, am I even real? (@BuckyIsotope) July 4, 2015
My cats would be so offended if they knew I referred to myself as alone when we’re all hanging out together.
— alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 16, 2015
5YO: [points at mime] what's he doing?
DAD: he's trapped in a box nobody can see
5YO: he looks sad
DAD: you'll understand when you're older— lil jon lovitz(?) (@liljonlovitz) July 2, 2015
https://twitter.com/Sickayduh/status/443776216995078144