Will these tweets change you life? Maybe. Will they make your week better? Probably. Will they make you laugh? Definitely.
When I say "I'm doing the lord's work," I just mean I'm sitting around watching tons of crazy shit happen, but not doing anything about it.
— Evan J'daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) August 8, 2015
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
— moody monday (@mdob11) August 15, 2015
Today in Crossfit, we moved everything out of our homes and hid in the trees until we could hear our kids crying
— Winbarryfairy (@Winbarryfairy) August 4, 2015
i believe in love i also believe in dolls coming to life at night
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) August 13, 2015
The Little Engine Who Couldn't But That's OK
— Unoriginal Tweeter (@LostCatDog) August 6, 2015
My favourite part of getting older is how now when I hide junk food from myself I actually forget about it.
— jenniferlauren (@jenhasgreathair) August 7, 2015
Donald Trump is what happens when you tell a child all his ideas are special.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 7, 2015
The phrase "urinal cake" is a real emotional roller coaster.
— Susie Meister (@susie_meister) January 7, 2014
Keep turning and turning and turning in bed until a cocoon begins to form around your tired body and you hear David Attenborough's voice.
— mug reheater (@findmydolls) May 28, 2015
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
— molly (@MollySneed) November 17, 2014
If you ring my doorbell after 9 pm you are probably a murderer and I will try to murder you first.
— MJ (@sucittaM) September 25, 2012
I thought I was in a gang once, but it turned out to be the line at Chipotle.
— C H A R N L E Y (@DanKCharnley) July 7, 2015
can you explain the six month gap in your work history
*flashback to me trying to get out of a hammock* no
— WigCannon (@WigCannon) June 4, 2015
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
— sensual online dad [ham] (@koalaslament) April 21, 2015