Please enjoy these tweets from some of Twitter’s most talented jokesters.
Beds are envelopes that mail you to your nightmares
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) August 19, 2015
Life makes more sense when you remember everyone is gross.
— Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) July 12, 2015
Daily Praise: The generation that paid money to watch an Elvis impersonator is starting to die off.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2015
"Can you validate my parking?"
Uh, sure. [looks] You parked really straight. Not too close to the other cars. [gives thumbs up] Good job.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) August 20, 2015
Heterosexual relationships are a scam for women to steal T-shirts and hoodies.
— Turkey Jerky (@MarkAgee) August 20, 2015
Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 7, 2015
Cop: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do I look old, is that why you called me ma'am
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) August 17, 2015
How many drugs have I done in my life? Enough to think a silver candy wrapper blowing across the street was a tiny robot for a second.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) June 19, 2014
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: You're sure you're watching?
[Netflix cannonballs off the high dive]
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 9, 2015
“No GMO foods for MY family,” she said as she walked her pet wolf who’d been bred to have four inch long legs and respiratory problems.
— Ray! (@dragnut) August 10, 2015
you know if you run out of tissues you can cry directly into the toilet
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 30, 2015
When I think the name "Benedict Cumberbatch" it's always to the tune of "Another One Bites The Dust." And now so do you.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) April 19, 2014
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You also miss 92% of the shots you take. You're off the team, is what I'm trying to say.
— River Clegg (@RiverClegg) October 25, 2014
I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.
— Jason Roeder (@jasonroeder) September 28, 2014