Mike
Good Monday to you. Sink your eye-teeth into these word-snacks.
https://twitter.com/Nahdude83/status/513164156824850432
"Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks." *hits tree with axe* " Take me for example. I just hate trees."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) May 27, 2014
ugh where are you supposed to meet single people? i tried my hallway, my living room, and even my kitchen. what am i doing wrong?
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 11, 2015
The most beautiful person I can imagine is a mix of all the races and is holding a large loaf of cheesy garlic bread.
— Mrs. Donald Darko (@LadyBroseph) September 10, 2015
https://twitter.com/chrisjoonior/status/339862319150555136
blue whales have the largest penises on earth (4-6 inches)
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) September 2, 2015
When someone says "sorry it's so messy in here" regarding their mostly clean car I laugh so loud I cough up several pieces of trash
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 9, 2015
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/466046702021910528
https://twitter.com/frenchielaboozi/status/635915186944253953
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) September 5, 2015
https://twitter.com/Laser_Cat/status/632571986770661376
That awkward moment when you try to start a food fight by throwing a sandwich but the guy just catches it and says "thanks for the sandwich"
— Dr. Tyler Lemco (@tlemco) December 19, 2012
If you accidentally lock eyes with a visibly pregnant woman, make the finger in the hole motion then point at her stomach.
— Slaydrienne (@TheBlessMess) April 23, 2015
Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.
— Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) January 15, 2015
https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/633693900771860481