Mike
Strap on your tweetbag and feast on these ridiculously satisfying jokes.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?— brent (@murrman5) September 15, 2015
https://twitter.com/Karate_Horse/status/648535843607592960
https://twitter.com/itsa_talia/status/331267133763895297
Found out you dont have to tell the barista your name if you're just there to poop
— Winbarryfairy (@Winbarryfairy) September 28, 2015
I've never had a flu shot in my life because I just see my body as a blown out garbage sack my soul is momentarily floating through.
— chelsea anét (@chelseaanet) September 25, 2015
https://twitter.com/WigCannon/status/515648798274891776
5 minutes passed and I couldn't remember why I was even in the kitchen. I finally just took a plum out of the fridge threw it in the trash.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) July 10, 2015
Finding water on Mars is important because this means the astronauts will be able to make Tang.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) October 3, 2015
I recently joined the 2 step program. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is ignoring it.
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) October 3, 2015
https://twitter.com/henryjonesson/status/639646291899715585
https://twitter.com/mattZillaaaa/status/521435082750693379
https://twitter.com/mattZillaaaa/status/541648908083265537
Are You There, God? It's Me, Hot Singles. I'm In Your Area.
— Dick Chiclets (@DrGhostbaby) July 21, 2013
at your Fed Ex retirement party you get to find out how many dildos you've delivered
— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) September 30, 2015
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) September 29, 2015