Enjoy your weekly dose of funny with these easy to swallow tweets.
Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 21, 2013
I ran out of painkillers so I'm sucking on the cotton that came in the bottle.
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) October 16, 2015
Sorry I stared at your dog until he finished pooping I just don't have anything else going on right now
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 9, 2015
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money.
— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) October 12, 2015
You cite an amendment from 1789, you get a gun from 1789. Next topic.
— Shelby (@smelbz) October 1, 2015
I've gotten to an age where 21 and over only shows are too young. I'm looking to see a band at a 35 and tired only venue.
— Scott Losse (@coolbathroom) October 3, 2015
100% of the people who describe their life as a "journey" have DUIs.
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 22, 2015
Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn't know about milk?
— jhon typo name (@dearjhonletter) September 25, 2015
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 27, 2015
I wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to sleep in our bed.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 22, 2015
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) October 15, 2015
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party.
— Jason, the Turkey Pardoner (@longwall26) March 11, 2014
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
— MJ (@sucittaM) November 8, 2011