Mike
Happy Monday, you lucky readers of hilarious tweets.
Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Adele's music.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) October 25, 2015
https://twitter.com/klickitatstreet/status/657788578986983424
Some days I felt like changing my name to Pepsi just so waiters would ask if I was ok.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) October 13, 2015
https://twitter.com/senderblock23/status/525112904803426305
People write scripts at Starbucks because being in Starbucks usually keeps you from masturbating.
— Erik Allen (@Erik_Allen) October 21, 2015
Dr: How are your reflexes?
Me: Sometimes I forget I'm wearing a hat and when I see the brim I instinctively duck out of the way.— erin chack (@ErinChack) October 16, 2015
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
https://twitter.com/GlazerBooHooHoo/status/515243252199342080
Life is about finding people that share the same amount of not talking that you're into.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 17, 2015
"You're a great catch!" -someone who threw you back
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 19, 2015
https://twitter.com/WGladstone/status/656297792130981888
take the advertising industry down in one easy step by liking yourself
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) November 11, 2013
I thought Macklemore was how southerners say Michael Moore I didn't know he was a person
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 7, 2015
sometimes people ask me why i dislike crime so much. well first off, it's illegal
— unbub (@unbub_) July 7, 2015
https://twitter.com/Cryptoterra/status/656682059767808000