Mike
Congratulations! You’ve stumbled upon a list of very funny tweets. Enjoy.
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013
https://twitter.com/solomongeorgio/status/722157028626423808
The plot to Terminator except they're trying to protect the inventor of wind chimes from me.
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) January 26, 2015
I keep getting older, but the Spidermen stay the same age
— Sofiya Alexandra The Music Box 11/5 (@TheSofiya) June 23, 2015
https://twitter.com/WigCannon/status/722550761062797312
https://twitter.com/ibid78/status/534597760889397249
https://twitter.com/Karate_Horse/status/720991050643410944
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn't ring* sure i'll get 1 more chicken
— regular keith (@ghostkrogh) April 18, 2016
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I'll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS— brent (@murrman5) November 4, 2014
People will sometimes have a child to save their marriage, and it works because it gives them a common enemy.
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) April 1, 2016
What they say:
Hi I'm Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.
What I remember:
Hi I'm BLERPBLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG or maybe GREG.
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 29, 2016
WIFE: why is the visa bill so high?
ME: remember we talked about europe this summer?
W: omg—
M: now we can talk in a sweet ass dune buggy— lil jon lovitz(?) (@liljonlovitz) April 2, 2015
https://twitter.com/pattymo/status/502471648969498624
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/506242541550071808
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
— rob fee (@robfee) April 11, 2015