Mike
Hope you enjoy this list of the 15 funniest tweets I read last week.
The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says "who?" but you still killed a baby.
— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) October 24, 2015
*makes voodoo of myself*
*rubs it's little back*— denise (@Stellacopter) May 12, 2016
Twitter is like if I told a joke to my friends and 2 of them took it seriously, 1 of them tried to make it funnier and 3 told me I was ugly.
— Spencer Robinson (@13spencer) February 21, 2013
No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) February 5, 2015
Who else panics when they're stopped next to a school bus because teens could possibly be in there roasting you
— Rush Hour 2 starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker (@jodecicry) May 10, 2016
A game show where you win $1,000 for every porn star you identify correctly, sitting between your girlfriend and mom.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) August 14, 2012
Want to pay an actor to burst into my funeral in an astronaut costume and say, "Oh my God, I came back too late!"
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) April 6, 2016
I believe Slash and Axl actually came to blows over this first draft. pic.twitter.com/Jr1MfV8A2l
— Stuart (@stuartmwrites) April 1, 2016
the car alarm going off on a '98 Honda Accord on my block was persistent enough to set off the alarm on a '97 Honda Accord
— Sam (@SamuelMoen) April 30, 2016
Don't worry if our conversation ended awkwardly, I'll perfect it later when I go over it 10 or 30 times.
— Andrew Hibbard (@andrewhibbard) July 8, 2011
I've been called a "female comic" so many times, I'll probably only be able to answer to "girl daddy" when I have children.
— Beth Stelling (@BethStelling) May 23, 2015
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) March 11, 2016
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
— skepsgiving (@goodhairperson) October 3, 2015
I always eat my daughter's last mcnugget to prepare her for life's many disappointments.
— Lamo Joe (@1Bad_Scientist) February 25, 2014
Sometimes I yell out "BINGO," when I don't have bingo, cuz I'm not even playing bingo, and I'm at my friend's house peeing in his fireplace.
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) June 16, 2013