Treat yourself to this list of excellent tweets.
She ate poison! We have to make her vomit!
[everyone looks at me]
[i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) March 30, 2015
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don't drink tequila anymore.
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) May 11, 2016
the first day of prison walk straight up to the biggest, toughest guy there and just hold him. he's under enormous pressure. ask if he's ok.
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) May 17, 2016
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) January 10, 2015
Batman is actually just a goth cop
— donate to my indiegogo please (@rachelmillman) July 20, 2012
[me explaining humans to aliens]
and sometimes when we're bored we intentionally poison ourselves with stuff that could kill us for fun
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) June 7, 2015
*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
"Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then.."
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) October 13, 2014
I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I've never been there
— Shawn (@online_shawn) October 3, 2015
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 30, 2015
Houston, we have a problem, I have the space hornies
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 11, 2015
"hey dad can i-
ASK YOUR MOTHER
"do we have to do this every tim-
*dad puts on wig*
"mom can i-
ASK YOUR FATHER
i hate living w/ u dad
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) September 16, 2013
Chivalrous men still exist but the restaurants with the extra set of doors after the first set have waged a war that cannot be won
— Dustin (@DustinAHarkins) December 4, 2013
[phone sex with a psychic] "Tell me what I'm wearing."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) June 17, 2015
Invite your co-workers over for a barbleque. Barbleque isn't a word so if they show up don't let them in. Trust no one.
— Rainbow Scorpion Death Fighter (@DrGhostbaby) September 7, 2013
Sex is a lot like chess. It takes practice to be good. You have to adapt quickly to your partner's moves. You're gonna sacrifice some horses
— ibid (@ibid78) January 22, 2016