Mike
It doesn’t get much better than this list of tweets. I mean, it probably does, but this is what I have.
I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!"
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 20, 2015
https://twitter.com/justaride/status/723980611048845314
https://twitter.com/msdanifernandez/status/336271076713709568
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don't normally do this. But yes I'm free tonight
— 🇺🇸Frank Whítehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) May 13, 2016
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
https://twitter.com/ThingsJackDigs/status/590620394568208385
https://twitter.com/MelKassel/status/689155370149875712
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.— a skeleton head (@Death_Buddy) September 17, 2014
me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable.
him: Uncomfortable?
me (getting naked): Yes.— Concrete Blond (@Super_Cynthia) May 29, 2015
https://twitter.com/therealeatwood/status/657019422163533824
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in
— Lil G-Pug (@gogglepossum) July 3, 2015
https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/634406741829132288
https://twitter.com/amjustspencer/status/667923659638620160
https://twitter.com/weismanjake/status/691336213454671873