I hope these 15 tweets can provide an adequate distraction from the real world.
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) February 24, 2014
Total bs that when Sleeping Beauty spends all day in bed she's a "beautiful princess," but when I do the same I'm "clinically depressed."
— Sarah (@thetigersez) October 31, 2014
*pops out of cake* my knees hurt from crouching
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) April 17, 2014
Have you tried that cool new brunch place? It serves eggs, but like, it's more expensive and there's not enough room for people to be there.
— Dave Thomason (@dave_thomason) May 29, 2016
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. "It's pronounced Jarfield" he says through tears
— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 10, 2014
– great weather
– friendly locals
– the guy at the sandwich store makes fun of how you want your sandwich
— Mike F (@mikefossey) May 25, 2016
Ah, Mr. Bond… Welcome. I was expecting you, but not for another 20 minutes, which is why I'm tossing unfolded laundry into my spare room.
— Mark Leggett 🤷🏻♂️ (@markleggett) June 5, 2016
bury me in a dog park so i can be some dogs treasure
— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 7, 2016
Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
— ibid (@ibid78) December 23, 2014
me: [performing autopsy] so I've been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now's not the time
corpse: aw come on
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 27, 2016
Reserved for pregnant women to pee on their babies pic.twitter.com/PASCYkYPoa
— tanks (@Burger_Time_) July 27, 2015
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) November 17, 2014
Violence is never the answer, unless you're asking me what I named my boat.
— vineyille (@vineyille) February 10, 2015
Answering Machine: You have *ZERO* new messages
Answering Machine: And *ZERO* old Messages
A.M: and *ZERO* Friends
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) March 9, 2016
*standing over my origami ducks* "GO AROUND! GO AROUND!"
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 29, 2015