I slaved over a hot laptop to bring you these tweets and you will read every last one of them.
I relate most to video game characters who get killed but then find themselves suddenly alive again fighting the same battle they just lost.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) May 7, 2015
of course the nba is rigged theres no possible way to shoot a ball into the hole from that far away trust me i hav tried 10 times
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 17, 2016
Goth girls in black bikinis laying out at the beach at night
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) July 15, 2013
Me: are you mad at me?
Wife: stop renting clowns to have dinner with us
Rented Clown: I'm gonna go
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 2, 2016
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) February 28, 2012
I don't know why I'm anxious. I just constantly stare at a device that beams nightmares into my eyes.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) June 12, 2016
An extremely accurate description of what it's like to hook up with me pic.twitter.com/z1UTr7FjBI
— eve peyser (@evepeyser) February 20, 2016
Boys are like TVs. I wasn't allowed to have one in my room as a kid and now I probably could but what's the point when you have a laptop?
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 18, 2014
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) July 13, 2015
I played the word "mature" in a game of Scrabble. My friend played "immature" and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
— Pound Stupid (@aka_fatman) March 15, 2013
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I'm a librarian)
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 31, 2015
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) June 10, 2016
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
— Alexa (@TheWoodenslurpy) June 9, 2016
Attention restaurants serving "home style" food: We're here because we want "restaurant style" food.
— Brian C. Thayer (@briancthayer) May 22, 2016
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
— Mark Magark (@markedly) May 13, 2016