Mike
Welcome to the wonderful world of Twitter jokes.
I was kicked out of Home Depot for heckling all the people buying saws. "Real men break wood with karate," I yelled over and over
— Napcore Influencer (@SortaBad) June 14, 2016
I'm not an avid reader of food magazines, but if Toast On A Paper Towel Monthly ever comes out, you bet I'd like a subscription.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 24, 2016
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/740416598293532672
https://twitter.com/LostCatDog/status/745212746166321152
I respect the moon, it controls two of our most precious elements, oceans and wolves.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) June 21, 2016
Twenty percent of any fantasy novel is just descriptions of people eating stew.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) June 7, 2015
JOB INTERVIEWER: The offer is on the table
CAT JOB APPLICANT: *pushes offer off table*— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 25, 2016
https://twitter.com/iamspacegirl/status/745332785611739136
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) January 21, 2015
https://twitter.com/abbycohenwl/status/579724315186196480
I don't trust the sun. Why can't we look directly at it? What is it hiding?
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) May 27, 2016
Man: sports
Other Man: sports, too. we are friends— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 7, 2015
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine
— pensive calypso music (@pharmasean) June 14, 2013
https://twitter.com/MelKassel/status/707587173286060032
me: How much did you pay for the nipple clamps?
dad: Those are jumper cables. What the hell is wrong with you?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 19, 2016