Welcome to the wonderful world of Twitter jokes.
I was kicked out of Home Depot for heckling all the people buying saws. "Real men break wood with karate," I yelled over and over
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) June 14, 2016
I'm not an avid reader of food magazines, but if Toast On A Paper Towel Monthly ever comes out, you bet I'd like a subscription.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 24, 2016
copilot: god dammit
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 8, 2016
That Blake Lively shark-fighting movie is going to win the Oscar for shark fighting
— Lozenge🚽™ (@LostCatDog) June 21, 2016
I respect the moon, it controls two of our most precious elements, oceans and wolves.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) June 21, 2016
Twenty percent of any fantasy novel is just descriptions of people eating stew.
— Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) June 7, 2015
JOB INTERVIEWER: The offer is on the table
CAT JOB APPLICANT: *pushes offer off table*
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 25, 2016
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit forever.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) January 21, 2015
Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
— Name cannot be blank even more now (@abbycohenwl) March 22, 2015
I don't trust the sun. Why can't we look directly at it? What is it hiding?
— jess (@jessokfine) May 27, 2016
Other Man: sports, too. we are friends
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 7, 2015
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine
— warren christmas (@pharmasean) June 14, 2013
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like 'what is she thinking'
— Mel (@MelKassel) March 9, 2016
me: How much did you pay for the nipple clamps?
dad: Those are jumper cables. What the hell is wrong with you?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 19, 2016