Tweets guaranteed to make you laugh or your money back.
"That'll be $19.94."
*pulls out $50 bill*
"Sorry, we've had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?"
*pulls out $25 bill*
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) February 1, 2015
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) July 8, 2011
Young children are like sponges. They are the filthiest thing in your house.
— Jay Skarlow (@RockabillyJay) October 7, 2014
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
— me at. (@biorhythmist) March 5, 2013
[hands hot dog vendor my credit card] leave it open
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) July 3, 2016
*He-Man at table read*
"By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say 'power' again here?"
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) October 15, 2015
When someone asks "What's your favorite film?" instead of "What's your favorite movie?" I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) June 22, 2015
old ladies are insanely metal just say hi to any one of them for a 20min list of people that recently died
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 19, 2016
I told a joke about a mandatory meeting once, you had to be there
— alex malnack (@le_buns) March 21, 2014
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
— No curse words in name (@Prof_Hinkley) January 27, 2015
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
— conventionalmattress (@MrMichaelRose) September 12, 2015
where did i get this shirt? same place i get all my shirts. i challenged a guy to a fight& when he took off his shirt i put it on & ran away
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) January 15, 2015
Yeah, I'm basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
— The Walking Marbles (@maebemarbles) October 23, 2013
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going
— The Dogfather (@matt___nelson) May 24, 2016
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck
— Abby "I too would prefer 0 Nazis, thanks" Yep (@abbycohenwl) March 18, 2015