Mike
You wants tweets? I got tweets. Some real nice ones.
https://twitter.com/DanMentos/status/648883036163993604
Me: Number 17 please
McD: We dont have a 17
Me: Its 2 # 2s, a # 13, an apple pie & a fudge sundae
McD: Ok that'll b-
Me: 22.17, comin around— ceeks (@70Ceeks) December 10, 2014
https://twitter.com/BrandonEsWolf/status/710127863949889536
person from my high school: I own a jewelry business now
me: I'd like you to meet my son, this goose statue, we are very successful also
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 15, 2016
https://twitter.com/msdanifernandez/status/758855250757373952
Life is like chess: I have no idea how to play chess
— Arby’s Provocateur (@SamGrittner) April 1, 2016
https://twitter.com/boring_as_heck/status/472061179498467328
Guacamole is extra? [slides cashier a hundred dollar bill and winks] How about now?
— Enrique Shockwave (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 21, 2015
SUSPECT: im not talkin
COP: *flipping the table* WOULD U LIKE A COFFEE
SUSPECT: uh are u the good cop or bad cop
COP: TO BE HONEST I FORGET— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 29, 2016
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway— joeg (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
this new car cost me a pretty penny. a real pretty penny. smart too. and funny. i loved that penny. oh god, what have i done
— charlotte mulvey (ciemme) (@whatscharlotte) September 13, 2013
https://twitter.com/beccaandthebox/status/756514233941123072
[in ambulance]
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
— 14 dollar hats (@14dollarhats) November 29, 2014
Why is it called a 'dad-bod' and not a 'father-figure'?
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) May 8, 2015