You wants tweets? I got tweets. Some real nice ones.
"Grandpa what was it like before emojis?"
Well, we used words called adjectives
"That doesn't seem very 💯"
No, it was not very 💯 at all
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) September 29, 2015
Me: Number 17 please
McD: We dont have a 17
Me: Its 2 # 2s, a # 13, an apple pie & a fudge sundae
McD: Ok that'll b-
Me: 22.17, comin around
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) December 10, 2014
ME: How fresh is the "fresh octopus"?
WAITER: The chef is fighting it right now.
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) March 16, 2016
person from my high school: I own a jewelry business now
me: I'd like you to meet my son, this goose statue, we are very successful also
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 15, 2016
The red hot chili peppers will vote for anyone that lets them marry the state of california
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 29, 2016
Life is like chess: I have no idea how to play chess
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) April 1, 2016
Guacamole is extra? [slides cashier a hundred dollar bill and winks] How about now?
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 21, 2015
SUSPECT: im not talkin
COP: *flipping the table* WOULD U LIKE A COFFEE
SUSPECT: uh are u the good cop or bad cop
COP: TO BE HONEST I FORGET
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 29, 2016
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
— joegarbe (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
this new car cost me a pretty penny. a real pretty penny. smart too. and funny. i loved that penny. oh god, what have i done
— collin 🌹 (@collinwithtwoLs) September 13, 2013
wow huge congrats to toilet pic.twitter.com/nHIpiHBd3i
— becca t (@beccaandthebox) July 22, 2016
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 29, 2014
Why is it called a 'dad-bod' and not a 'father-figure'?
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) May 8, 2015