15 tweets to make you smile and brighten your day.
Me: goodnight kids
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015
One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) April 26, 2016
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) May 28, 2016
[Inauguration Day 2017]
Hillary: This is a momentous day for our country
Bill: Oh hell yea my secret Gushers stash is still here
— olll (@dulcetry) June 8, 2016
the worst part about drums is that if you are angry at them you can't hit them because that's what they want
— regluar name (@hippieswordfish) August 3, 2016
Colonel Mustard, in the Library, Googling how to spell his name
— neens (@ninatreemonkey) May 20, 2013
Many years ago, in a tavern near hell, the worst people in the world all got together and invented work.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 1, 2016
Therapist: let's look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser
Me: I didn't say that
Therapist [looks at notes]: well one of us did
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 9, 2016
if i could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, i would. i am very lonely
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 26, 2016
sorry password must contain a special character
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) May 9, 2015
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
— Micheal Caine (@mikealfredcaine) April 25, 2016
"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?"
384 my liege
"Ok, round them up"
400 my liege
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 13, 2015
[bigfoot goes home to see his dad megafoot]
How's it goin twinkle toes
dad please I just got in the door
— matt the fruit bat (@marth_burton) October 25, 2015
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
— Graham (@AnxiousBatman) July 18, 2016
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
— Ruthe Repeal Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) December 7, 2015