Let these great tweets distract you from the endless barrage of pain that is humanity…
interviewer: tell me a little bit about yourself
me: ok so you know how stars look really good but theyve been dead for thousands of years
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) March 10, 2015
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don't need to do that
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 25, 2015
not to ruin your trust in the world but anytime you see something labelled as "four-cheese," that final cheese is a bullshit cheese
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) September 17, 2016
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I'll just sign up with a different name. They can't silence the truth.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) March 23, 2015
I was going to do a Liam Neeson joke, but all the good ones were…
*takes off sunglasses*
Star Wars Episode 1
Wait I fucked that up
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) August 26, 2015
guy: who's your daddy
me: finally, some backstory
— glam cabal (@themiltron) June 13, 2016
A show called So You Think You Can Dad where cargo short wearing men face challenges like backing into parking spots & eating while standing
— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) July 24, 2014
"..all the king's horses & all the king's men couldn't get Humpty together again"
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
— Retired Zoologist (@SortaBad) September 10, 2014
MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no"
JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing
ME: so mom, guess what
— ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ123456789 (@mynameisntdave) March 5, 2016
CANADIAN: Let's watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What's that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 23, 2016
Me: *sips wine* ooh yes, I like it. I'll have a bottle of that!
Priest: ma'am, that's not how this works, please go back to your pew.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 25, 2016
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 22, 2016
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you're fired
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) September 15, 2016
WIFE: I'm here…don't worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 24, 2016