Welcome to the jungle, we have lists and tweets.
me: I have a bachelors degree
waiter: so do I
bus boy: so do I
rat feeding on crumbs under the table: hey me too
— Eraka (@erica_rosie) February 21, 2016
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 27, 2016
bury me in my cubicle so i can take your call in hell
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) September 19, 2016
I want this election to be over so badly you'd think it was a friend's play.
— Daley Haggar (@d_haggar) September 14, 2016
I can't have kids because of the tone I take after I have to repeat myself ONCE with an automated system.
— Renee Colvert (@ReneeColvert) July 18, 2013
Ladies, if you're looking for a way to get guys to leave you alone while you're walking down the street, just start carrying a clipboard.
— Jessie Dean (@NicCageMatch) September 21, 2016
Comedy is a balancing act in which you test which of your worst attributes are adorable enough to be your brand.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 19, 2016
What do you give the bagel who has Everything?
— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) September 16, 2016
Sometimes I practice smiling in the mirror in case something good ever happens to me.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) September 20, 2016
Quit saying you love fall and just say "I have weird legs."
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 22, 2016
I treat my tweets like they're my kids. I send them off with a shrug and hope they don't piss anyone off too much.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) August 16, 2016
It's called slam poetry cause you're supposed to dunk on anyone who performs it
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) September 21, 2016
mind if i nail your shoes on?
horse: no problem
— WigCannon (@WigCannon) May 21, 2015
Teens, if you work hard and pursue your dreams you too can have a total of 90 minutes of free time every 24 hours.
— lady bird seph (@ladybroseph) October 13, 2015
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 11, 2016