You like tweets? I got tweets.
Results are in: a lot of people took the "never change" yearbook inscription way too seriously.
— Boo Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) July 28, 2015
When I enjoy baseball pic.twitter.com/YbnYwCHs3V
— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) September 13, 2015
Tom Selleck must be the Space Mountain of moustache rides.
— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) January 22, 2014
My 1 yr old only says the words "no," "mine," and "bye" and I tried it out and it turns out that's actually all you need.
— maura "are jack and biz nazis?" quint (@behindyourback) March 28, 2015
— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 3, 2016
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
— de-nice? is de-nice here? do u mean denise? muthaf (@Stellacopter) November 12, 2015
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 23, 2014
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) May 27, 2015
Daily reminder that everyone around you is going through some type of struggle and you should find out what it is and use it against them.
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) September 16, 2016
This cape is reversible but my decision to wear it to the custody hearing is not.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) March 25, 2015
Woman asked how I wanted my burger done and I was like, just do the best you can, you know? That's all that can be expected of any of us.
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) February 17, 2014
me: "why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?"
therapist: "i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) February 27, 2016
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 14, 2013
After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) April 15, 2012